Two things. 1 sorry it’s taken me so long to write another blog, I’m a lazy bastard I know. What ever.
2. To the bitch that this concerns, you brought this on yourself.
Last night while chatting on Grimmy about velvet and clingfilm and what ever random stuff we talk about. I glimpsed over at the “text in” screen where people text in with their opinions and thoughts on the show. Normally the texts either consist of “OMG PLAY BETTER MUSIC” or “OMG THIS MUSIC IS AMAZING!” or “OMG WHO DA FUCK IS DANYUL SLOPPS?” but there was one text that stood out. Now, admittedly I didn’t get to read all of it, but the jist of this was this, “I met Daniel Sloss in a nightclub (THE HIVE) and he was a total asshole to me even though my friend gave him a nice review in the Fringe.”
Now, I’m a grudge holding guy. I will hold grudges for years. To this day I hate every fucking bone in the body of a kid from my old High School. I can’t even remember what he did to annoy me, I just know I fucking hate him. Even just typing this out I’m getting so fucking angry and having to continuously delete horrific things I’ve typed about him and all the ways I dream about him dying with his shitty fucking hair and his laugh that sounds like someone beating a seal to death with a baby seal and HE CANT EVEN FUCKING SKATEBOARD COZ HES A CUNT AND I HATED YOU IN MATHS COZ YOU WERE SHIT AND YOU DREW A DICK ON MY JOTTER. YOUR BAND WAS SHIT AS WELL, EVEN THOUGH I NEVER HEARD YOU I JUST KNOW YOU WERE SHIT. YOU SAID YOU WISHED YOU WERE LIKE KURT COBAIN. ME TOO! I‘LL BUY THE FUCKING SHOTGUN.
What you just read there, was extremely watered down.
But surprisingly as I’ve grown older I’ve become a bit calmer, and although I still hold grudges, it takes more to annoy me. So I remember this incident in the nightclub. And I ranted to some friends about it after it happened, but then I left it. It left my mind. But since she decided to get it on Radio One, I’ll give you my side of the story. As I remember it.
So. This happened a while ago. I can’t really remember when. But we ended up going to Hive as was the norm when we got bored. I’m also just going to take a little side note here to talk about the Hive. Everyone gives it a hard time. Myself included. But honestly, it’s a fucking great club. Statistically, 9 times out of 10 when I go there I will have a great time. Which is a better ratio than a lot of other clubs. Hive is like having a wank. Sure it’s not as good as sex is, but when sex isn’t available just have a wank. And even then, sometimes a wank is better than sex with someone who’s really bad at it. Have you ever had a wank you didn’t actually enjoy? Unlikely. Only if someone saw you do it.
But we’re in the Hive and obviously, I’m drunk. Of course I’m drunk, the booze is ridiculously cheap and I’m 21. That’s what I do. And that’s what I’m going to keep doing until there’s an intervention, and I’ll probably celebrate that by getting drunk.
Now I often get recognised in nightclubs and people ask “Does it bother you?” or “Is it annoying?” and if I’m being 100% honest. No. I fucking love it. Like too much. It gives me the biggest erection in the world when someone says “Are you Daniel Sloss?” it’s amazing. Unless that sentence is followed by “You know <insert girls name> don’t you?” and then I run away, because that’s probably going to end up badly. But most of the time I love it. Having people I’ve never met before tell me they enjoy what I do for a living? How could I not love that? Sure, some people are cunts and try to start fights with me but I know that’s because they have other issues. I’d hate comedians too if my uncle touched me.
So I’m walking around Hive with Ally (my best mate). When a girl points at me and smiles. BINGO. I love this part. I always like being nice as well. I like the fact that I get tweeted by people who have met me and been like “Dude, you were wasted, but you were a really nice guy.” it’s nice to be nice. So she says “Are you Daniel Sloss?” BONER
“Yeah I am.”
“OMFG!! That’s Daniel Sloss.” she says to her friends. Ally gets annoyed by the smug look on my face and rightfully fucks off.
“You should totally buy me a drink?”… You what?
“Yeah! It’s my birthday! Come buy me a drink!” Oh yeh, I’ll get right on that. I love buying drinks for people I’m not going to have sex with. It’s my favourite charity. I know this may sound harsh, but as a man I reserve my drink buying for girls I fancy and mates who aren’t as drunk as I am. Buying drinks for people you don’t want to have sex with is very rare as a man. If everyone in a nightclub who didn’t want to have sex with me bought me a drink, I’d be dead in 3 seconds.
“I’m okay thanks.” I replied. Trying to be polite as I possibly could. She was still a fan and I like being nice to you lot coz you’re so lovely to me.
“WHAT!?!? Why are you not buying me a drink?” Because even if I wanted to, I have so much sambucca in my system that The Slossage is dead for the night.
“Well… I’ve not even bought my friend a drink, and I don’t know you so…” I said, hoping the logic centre of her brain wasn’t as damaged as her social skills section was.
“BUT ITS MY BIRTHDAY!”
“But I’ve never met you before.”
“Well my name is…” What ever it was.
“Well, hi. My name is Daniel. Happy Birthday! How old are you?”
“Well, I hope you have a good birthday”
“Oh my God! So you’re actual not buying me a drink?”
“I’m sorry, but no.”
“But you’re rich” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
“You’re rich. You must be! You’re a comedian.” Holy Jesus shit balls, you clearly have no idea how comedy works.
“I’m sorry, but I’m definitely not rich.” I don’t think is something people should have to apologise for, but I was still trying to be nice.
“WHAT EVER. I bet my dad earns more money than you.” It was at this point I started to get pissed off. I love arguing, but not with fucking morons. I mean her dad probably has a lot more money than me. But not as much as he would have if he’d paid for a fucking condom 20 years and 9 months ago.
“I bet he probably does. Well done him. Well I’m going to leave now.”
“But my mate gave you a good review!” What? I started to get worried now. Maybe I’d had sex with her friend and she’d bigged me up on some weird F-list celebrity sex review website. ‘Sex with Daniel Sloss is like Pringles, not good for you but alright if your stoned. 4 stars’
“Yeah my mate writes for <completely unimportant Fringe review thing> and she gave you 4 stars. So you should totally buy me a drink.”
“Oh your friends a reviewer is she?”
“YEAH!” she said, all excited. Fully expecting me to purchase her a drink now that her ‘journalist’ friend had said nice things about me.
“Then you’re friend is a cunt.” This caught her off guard.
“Your friend is a cunt.” Now. This may seem harsh, but that’s mainly because it was. But I don’t care. Ally had left, I was with these two cunts alone as they tried to justify me buying them a drink. And I was drunk and getting annoyed with them and the fact that this girl had mentioned reviews to me kind of set me off. I made my point.
My point was this. Comedy is one of the most subjective things in the entire world. Not everyone is going to have the same sense of humour. That would never happen. I know there are people out there who find me very funny, but there are also people out there who think I’m dreadful. And neither of them are wrong. They are both opinions, and opinions can’t really be wrong. They are one persons idea of something and it’s what they think. It’s not right, it’s not wrong. It’s an opinion. So, in my opinion, for one person to go out and watch a comedy show and then tell a bunch of other people that they thought it was good or bad is one of the most self-involved things you can do. To think your opinion is the definitive opinion and that everyone should listen to you? Fuck off.
It’s the point I keep trying to make with this nightclub review. This is one man/boys opinion. Just me. And I’ll be honest with you, if my opinions on nightclubs are anything like my other opinions, they’re wrong. Don’t listen to me. I’m a fucking idiot. And if you disagree with me. GOOD! Well done for formulating your own opinion, you win at life.
I’ve been to many of my friends shows and read 2 and 3 star reviews. Even though every single person in the audience was laughing their asses off. The same thing has happened to me. Now I know this sounds like a bitter comedian ranting about reviewers because he’s had shit reviews. And it’s kind of true. I’ve had bad reviews. But at the same time I’ve had good reviews. But my opinion on both are the same. I couldn’t give the faintest of fucks. Honestly, even if you gave me a cocktail of laxative and Viagra I would still struggle to give a shit or a fuck. I only care about my audience. My fans. The lovely people that have waited, paid and looked forward to come to see me. The ones that have sat in my show and listened and laughed and cheered and stayed for hugs at the end. Not some student who got told to come to my show for free.
I don’t pay attention to the bad or good reviews because they used to affect me. I’d read a 2 star review of myself and I’d feel like quitting comedy. I would then walk out to a room full of paying people who laughed at all my jokes and loved me and I’d think “What fucking idiots! Don’t they know I’m not funny?”
Now I don’t bother with reading reviews at all. I’m not saying some reviews aren’t important, that’d be fucking stupid and naïve of me to think. Of course reviews can help with ticket sales and boost confidence. And a lot of the time the reviews come from people who do honestly know their stuff. Who have been around comedy for years and love it. They can see the potential in people and the flaws in others. Who aren’t saying a comedian is bad because they want an A in Journalism for being edgy, but because they genuinely want to see that comedian do better. And by giving him or her a critique, that comedian then knows what to improve on. Reviews can be an invaluable thing for up and coming comics. It let’s us know where we’re going wrong and where they think we should be heading. But other reviewers, especially some during the festival, lose sight of what reviews should actually be about and just enjoy knowing that their opinion can really make or break some newer and younger comics spirit. I know, because I have been that comedian reading those reviews and feeling like a prick.
And the fact that this girl and her friend thought that the review was so important and invaluable to me. That I should be so thankful that this student managed to wake up from a hangover, bash out 150 words onto a screen and put some sort of galactic rating on it. That really fucked me off.
I’ve just had a phone call from my agent telling me not to name where the review is from. So I won’t. Not because I’m worried about upsetting them, like I said I couldn’t give a shit what they think, as long as my audience is laughing what else do I need to do? But because she came up with the valid point that it was not the reviewing company that was a drunken, desperate moron begging for attention in a nightclub. She probably doesn’t even work for them anymore.
So that was my point. That’s why I called her friend a cunt. Now, to be honest with you it probably didn’t come out like that when I said it to her. My brain doesn’t have that Paperclip dude popping up going “So, you want to assassinate the character of a drunken cunt you me. But at the same time becoherent, educated and civil? Have you tried kicking her in the shin?” So what I probably said was “FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT REVIEW I DON’T EVEN LIKE WHAT THE SHIT IS WHERE MY HAT GONE BITCH?”
I wasn’t actually that drunk. I did make my point that her friend was horrible for thinking that her opinion was more important than that of the general public and that although I did appreciate the 4 star review, that it meant nothing to anyone else ever and never will. But she was a drunken bitch and she started yelling at me because apparently you’re not allowed to call girls cunts even if they are reading the dictionary definition of it and acting it out to perfection. So I told her I was going to leave, her friend said she was going to give me a shit review next time and I wandered off. I got drunk with Ally, we had a laugh about the situation.
But over the course of that night every time I walked past this girl she gave me the middle finger. I did nothing in return, I ignored her and went on having fun. I say she gave me the finger, she might have been introducing me to her boyfriend.
So, there you have it. Feel free to formulate your own opinion on whether or not you think I was an asshole or not. If you think I am, I’m sorry I’ll be nicer to you if I ever meet you. If you think I wasn’t an asshole THANKS MAN! I KNOW RIGHT!?! She was a total bitch! But as long as you’ve developed your own opinion on the matter, I can’t possibly call you wrong.